If you’re reading this, your team has probably been eliminated from the playoffs. As a service to our readers, here is your guide to cheering for the remaining teams.
Phoenix Coyotes
Pros: This is probably the most trollish result. The Coyotes winning the Stanley Cup would piss off anyone who still insists that hockey in the Sunbelt is a bad idea. It would force those who make relocation jokes to come up with new material.
Cons: In a way, you’re still supporting Gary Bettman. But then again, aren’t we all, even indirectly?
Los Angeles Kings
Pros: You get to piss off the non-sunbelt fans, but not as much as the Coyotes. Then again, LA has had a team since 1967 (obligatory Leafs joke), so maybe that makes it ok. You also stand a chance to see famous people, like That Guy from That Thing, and What’s-her-face from this show, man, it was awesome, but it only lasted like three years but has a huge cult following on Netflix and the internet.
Cons: More lame Star Wars posts from Ryan. Possible curse from King Clancy.
New Jersey Devils
Pros: Jokes about Marty Brodeur’s love of pies and sisters-in-law are relevant again. Zach Parise is still a dreamboat.
Cons: You might get to rub shoulders with the stars of “Jersey Shore”, which puts you at increased risk for every STD ever, and possibly some new ones. Then again, I’m not sure they know where East Rutherford is. I don’t think they even what a hockey is.
New York Rangers
Pros: Waiting for the fateful day when Torterella snaps and kills somebody. Henrik Lundqvist is dreamier and more successful than his twin brother, who is pumping gas or something in Sweden.
Cons: I’m pretty sure that if you don’t support the Rangers, John Torterella will choke your ass.
no commentsVladimir Putin is the president of Russia, where they play hockey a little bit. I don't know if you heard, but there are even a few of them playing in America. But the best hockey player in Russia is president Vladimir Putin. Roll the video tape
Oh, sure, he looks slow and balky to you, but really his pace is just lulling the opponent into a false sense of security. It's all strategy.
(Saying otherwise get's you thrown into a Siberian prison)
(Via Deadspin)
The Los Angeles Kings swept the St. Louis Blues to advance to the Western Conference Finals. If they advance one more round, this site may or may not be renamed Darryl Sutter Rocks (following the rule of Los Angeles Kings coaches who lead their teams to the Stanley Cup Finals get a site named after them). Anyways, things are looking good for Anze Kopitar and the Kings. Take this visual evidence:
On top is Anze after Sunday's series clinching victory. On the bottom is professional football player Aaron Rodgers on the way to a Super Bowl victory in 2011. I would say the resemblance is.... striking. If you don't think that is enough to justify the assertion that the Kings are a team of destiny, then consider the following image.
It takes some balls (which Anze's conveniently placed hands prevent us from seeing) to attempt this look. If Anze can show up to a post game interview (televised!) wearing compression shorts, then clearly he is feeling loose. This can be nothing other than a good sign for the Kings.
Excuse me for a moment while I cross promote. My other site, the sports site, anyways, is called The Rhino and Compass. It says that now on the sidebar. Anywho. On the site, there is a radio program through Blog Talk Radio. Here is the radio page through the site. Why do I bring it up? Because the one and only Kevin Schultz, the one who posts here periodically and, you know, founded the site, was our special guest.
It's only a half hour show, so go ahead and do yourself the favor of listening in. And the first fifteen minutes are me and my cohost, Eric Wahlund, talking about not hockey, but then Kevin joins us, and the magic happens. Fun fact: This was the first time Kevin and I ever spoke to each other, like, using our voices. It shows. If you want to just listen to the show, that individual episode, the link is here. Enjoy, kids.
ESPN listed the top earners by sport and by country today. You can check it out if you look at ESPN for NBA playoff news (and only NBA playoff news) today. There are a few NHL players who make the most money of any athlete from their country. What might they be doing with their money? I am going to go ahead and speculate.
Look at these Predators fans, celebrating their win over the Red Wings. After Vancouver last year, haven't these fas learned ANYTHING about celebrating safely?
Look at those towels spinning through the air! They could put someone's eye out, or at the very least scratch a cornea! And listen to all that noise! I mean, that is going to cause some serious ringing in the ears for at least 30 seconds after leaving the arena. What if a fan leaving the arena immediately steps into the street, but they can't hear a car coming! And nobody can shout a warning, because their throats are all scratchy from the screaming inside the arena. This is very reckless, Nashville. That's what I'm saying. Tone it down. no comments
[SCENE: The Sedins sit on a bridge holding fishing poles]
Daniel: It is a sad day, Henrik. No more hockey for us.
Henrik: I am confused, Daniel. We are the best. We had 4 Swedes, and only 1 Finn.
Daniel: Salo....
Henrik: Efterbliven!
[Daniel and Henrik sit in silence, holding their poles, which are, in truth, only sticks with rope tied to the end]
[Ryan Kesler lurks in the back ground, pretending like he doesn't want to be noticed, but really is making a deperate plea for attention]
Henrik: Oh, hellow Ryan Kesler. What are you doing on our fishing bridge?
Kesler: This is a city park, Henrik, there are a lot of people here.
Daniel: Perhaps that is why we are not catching anything.
Kesler: And also, this is a pedestrian bridge. To catch fish, you need to be casting your line into water.
[Sedins emit high pitched squeal]
Kesler: What's so funny? That was a laugh right?
Henrik: In Sweden, "fishing" means to use fish as bait. We're not so stupid as to be worming in a park with no water!
Kesler: Of... course, you're not.
[Daniel pulls in line. Tied to the end is a salmon]
Daniel: See? This is fishing for Swedes?
Kesler: Dare I ask what you are trying to catch?
Henrik: Bears.
Kesler: You're trying to catch a bear in a city park in Vancouver?
Daniel: No, one for each of us, why would we share just one bear? You ask very strange questions, Ryan Kesler.
Kesler: Why....
Henrik: Oh look, Daniel, you got a nibble!
Kesler: Holy Christmas! [Kesler runs away]
Henrik: Rats. And I was going to invite him to the annual Sedin Bear Race and Caribou hunt.
Daniel: I think I'm going to name him Bear!
Henrik: Great name!
[Bear tries to eat Daniel's arm]
Henrik: Excellent! He likes you! The offseason is sure going to be relaxing!
