While I was watching Game One of the Stanley Cup Finals between Chicago and Philadelphia, Mike Millbury and Pierre McGuire had special guest Ryan Miller talk a bit during intermissions. I notice that Miller seemed a bit slow and tired when he talked. I’d like to think that what I have below is what happened before airtime.

RunOfTheMilbury: Hey, Ryan. Thanks for coming in.
Miller_Time: Sure thing, Mr. Milbury. I figure it was either this or pwning n00bs on xbox live.
LightMcGuire: It’s a MONSTER help!
RunOfTheMilbury: No, he does AMP.
Miller_Time: Actually, I don’t do AMP anymore. I used to do 37 cans a day, but then my doctor made me stop since it was eating a hole through my stomach. And then, there were the heart palpitations, the ringing ears, the hallucinations…
LightMcGuire: I hear you, Ryan. That stuff’s like DRIVING battery acid through your system.
RunOfTheMilbury: Actually, I have a little gift here for you, Ryan.

Usually when picking a team to cheer for in any sporting competition (assuming my team isn't in it) I root for the team that doesn't piss me off. Chicago and Philly both sort of do. So then I look at other teams that really piss me off, and see who it would piss off more if one team or another won. Detroit and Pittsburgh would be upset by their cross-division/cross-state rivals winning, and perhaps more if Chicago won because of Marian Hossa. Well, I guess that means I am rooting for Philly.

Ugh, never mind.

DRINK

... if anyone talks about how long suffering the fans of either team are. Fun fact: most sports fans are fans of multiple teams in their area. Philadelphia got a World Series from the Phillies two seasons ago, and Chicago had the White Sox in 2005. For Cubs fans who didn't even realize the White Sox were from Chicago, they had the Bulls winning every NBA title in the 90s (roughly). Meanwhile, Minnesota hasn't even sent a team to a championship game or series in almost 20 years. WHERE'S MY PITY PARTY?!

... any time Scott Hartnell and his fellow Ewoks take out an Imperial walker

... whenever you wish ESPN was airing the game so we could have some Barry Melrose analysis. Then remember that you would also have Neil Everett saying "Don't Toewes me bro!" every time a Blackhawks highlight came on, and drink 5 more.

... for every longwinded rant on how racist the Blackhawks are. They should totally be the African American Hawks. /totally missing the point

Stanley Cup Drinking Player of the Stanley Cup Finals

Remember, take a drink every time Bickell is mentioned during the course of the action. Drink more for goals and buy a keg and invite me over if he is the series MVP. Now, some fun facts about Mr. Bickell.

- Played Brad on ABC's Home Improvement.

- Probably won't touch the ice during the finals unless someone gets hurt. He's looking at you, Andrew Ladd!

- Spent much of his season with the Rockford IceHogs, which is a much cooler name than many other hockey teams, like, say, the Islanders, Thrashers, or Team Switzerland.

- Has to have a veteran player tie his skates for him.

Enjoy the Finals, everyone. They start this afternoon!

When we name a blog after a TV personality, folks, we don't do it because we think he's cute. OK, we'll maybe one of us here has a crush -- I can't speak for Enforcer -- but the point is that we named the blog after Barry Melrose because he is the man. And one time, we actually talked to John Buccigross because he is also awesome. We are fans, as you know.

So, if only we had trusted them more. You know, you believe in someone and you know that they're the real deal but when they give you pre-season picks you still don't place any bets in Vegas based on their pre-season Stanley Cup picks. If we had, we would all be a bit richer today. Well, there's always next year I guess. But kudos go out to Melrose and Buccigross for correctly predicting that the Hawks and Flyers would meet in the Finals all the way back in September. OK, so it wasn't that hard to say that the Hawks would have made it. I think about half of the universe picked them to make the Finals this year (the other half picked San Jose because after all, this was "their year" since it hadn't been "their year" for the last 5. Everyone's number gets called some day, right?). But that doesn't make it any less astounding that these two experts went out and picked the Flyers. The F'ing Flyers! I mean, who would have thought in a million years they were capable of.... Finding a dependable goaltender... And having their salary cap issues not be a complete and total Achilles' heel... And firing their coach 2/3 of the way through the season... And having a 100% win percentage against the Islanders through a whole season.

OK, the last one is a joke.

But, yeah. That happened. The Flyers made it all the way. Somehow.

Barry Melrose and John Buccigross, I will never question my faith in you again. Next year I'm totally going to Vegas and betting on whatever you instruct me to.

And a sidebar -- as it happens, Bucci picked the Flyers to win it all and Melrose picked the Hawks so it looks like we have An Epic Showdown For ESPN Hockey Journalist Bragging Rights on our hands. It should be awesome!

And a last and final sidebar -- yes, that was EJ Hradek picking the Ducks to win it all. Oops.

***Welcome to the Official Chatroom of the Pittsburgh Penguins!***
StaalBoy11: Arrrgh, stupid Habs and their stupid winning.
LeOrangeDrink: I am so disappointed in us.
SidneynotKidney: Hey guys, I know what can cheer us up.
StaalBoy11: A bottle of Everclear and gun barrel in my mouth?
SidneynotKidney: No guys! I know where we can go. Let’s go get ice cream! I know a great place with great sprinkles and sundaes and stuff.
LeOrangeDrink: Whatever.

Below this photo is an actual audio transcript related to the image of Claude Giroux and Braydon Coburn, taken during last night's game.

Claude Giroux: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE teheheheheheheheheehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe

Braydon Coburn: WHEE! hahahahahhahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhaha

CG: Tehehehehehehehhehehehehhehehehehehheheheh

BC: Hahahahahahhahhahhhaha

CG: Yay! Yippe skippee! For funsies!

BC: All right get off me.

***Welcome to the Official chat room of the Pittsburgh Penguins!***

SidneyNotKidney: Jordan! Glad to see you’re back, buddy!
Staalboy_11: Yeah! I’m so stoked to be back from injury! Let’s go murder some stupid Canadiens. I never liked those guys, amirite, fellas?
SidneyNotKidney: I like your dedication, but I was a Habs fan when I was a kid, you know.
Staalboy_11: Really? I’m sorry, man, I just—
SidneyNotKidney: I mean, I AM a professional here, so that’s not going to affect my performance at all.
Staalboy_11: But you’re not from Quebec and you’re not French.
SidneyNotKidney: Lots of people in the Maritimes are Habs fans, Jordan.
Staalboy_11: Well, crap. Now I feel like a dick. I’d expect it from Flower or Max, but—
ToThaMax69: Someone Say my name?
Staalboy_11: Uh, were you a Habs fan as a kid, Max?
ToThaMax69: Of course! You can’t be a true Quebecois without being a Habs fan.
Fleury_Avec_Sprinkles: C’est vrai.
LeOrangeDrink: Yeah, it is. They send out police to check your house and everything.  If they find Leafs stuff in your place, they send you away to be “re-educated.” You know…I haven’t seen my younger brother since then…
ToThaMax69: Hey now, no depressing stories, Mr. Unicorn hair.
Staalboy_11: Holy crap, was EVERYONE on our team a Habs fan at one point?
Fleury_Avec_Sprinkles: What? I always look up to Patrick Roy. How can I not?
Staalboy_11: You weren’t a Habs fan as a kid, were ya, Geno?
MalkMan: Borscht.
Staalboy_11: Good answer.