I mean, the guy is old, right? And what us some old guy going to do with a team that is actually fairly young, just maybe a little, uh... talentless. And the Wild already signed Matt Cullen, so is Madden going to be a third line center? And is the team going to have... who, exactly, at the wings? I mean sure, center was a weakness last year, but wasn't scoring in general? Is it annoying that my form of real hockey analysis is entirely in the form of rhetorical questions?

Oh, and also, an entirely different John Madden (though one that isn't much older) is releasing a video game soon. Perhaps GM Chuck Fletcher was confused when someone told him he should get the latest version of Madden. That would speak to an entirely new set of problems, one that I'm not sure I care to talk about, what with all the crying.

Inside the root beer summit

I’m sure that you’ve all seen the most adorable hockey fight ever. In case you haven’t, here’s a refresher:

Apparently, NHLer David Booth was so moved by the video, he assembled the two children for a “root beer summit” to discuss any icky feelings about the fight as well as hockey in general. As always, Barry Melrose Rocks is always committed to bringing you breaking NHL news. Here is our coverage of this historic event, after the jump.

The Calgary Flames have a new Twitter/Facebook fusion.... thing... on their site. Very forward thinking. Anyways, they have a live feed of the various Facebook statuses and tweets of Flames fans everywhere. The natural end result is what is going on now.

Indeed, it's 2AM in Calgary at the beginning of August, and there is a Flame war going on. A fake Darryl Sutter has set up an account simply to torment Flames fans. Again. It's the middle of the work week in early August, and it's 2AM. I would like to point the finger solely at fake Darryl Sutter, but Christ... Everyone there is crazy. Yes, I know I'm posting this at 115, what's your point?

And seriously, Flames, no filters on the stuff these people say? It's this type of oversight that led to Olli Jokinen coming back to Calgary

As you might have been aware, the Pittsburgh Penguins have selected female members of their first ever Squad of Ice Girls mixed-gender and totally not controversial Ice Crew. I decided that I should see what al the fuss was about.

(LOSER DOMI enters rink)
LOSER DOMI: Holy crap, this is a lot of shovel sluts! This is great!
ICE CREW COODRINATOR LAURA SPENCER: Hello, are you here for the tryouts?
LD: Well, I wouldn’t be here otherwise. Do I have to sign in?
SPENCER: Super! How much skating experience do you have?
LD: Well, uh, to be totally on completely honest…I can’t skate. But I’m a fast learner, nimble on my feet, and I have mad shoveling skills. Plus, I have no problems displaying my boobs. Seriously, they may not be the largest, but I can shake ‘em with the best.
SPENCER: It’s too bad, because we really need members of our Ice Crew to be skilled skaters.  They have to be very agile because you never know when a player or official will stop right in front of you. Finally, we need energy and we need to see how you carry yourself.
LD: Dude, I can bend over and shake my ass with the best of them. I can totally work a shovel like a stripper pole.  I have energy and pep coming out of my ears. Tell you what—you pick a girl her, any girl, and I’ll fight her for you.
SPENCER: …Excuse me?
LD: I’ll fight her. I figure I’m more of a grinder/brutal checking line kind of ice girl anyway. I’m not above knocking out teeth or pulling out weaves. I can break a nail or six and survive. I don’t mind having a few bruises as long as I left the other skank worse. I drink plenty of milk so my bones are nice and strong.
SPENCER: I think you might want to look into some…other activities. Have you ever tried roller derby?
LD: Well, if I work on my skating, can I leave my information with you? You know, in case one of the other girls gets hurt or knocked up or something?
SPENCER: I think we’re done here.
LD: Are you sad that you never got to be a big-time Olympic figure skater during the 3 year span in which it’s physically possible?  Are you at all bitter that someone who was younger ad prettier got to accomplish things you only dreamed of doing?
SPENCER: GET OUT OF MY RINK!
LD: Well, Crap. What else am I gonna do in Pittsburgh?

Recently, The Hockey Program had some very kind words for BMR, but I sensed some confusion, so I thought I, Ryan, would introduce you to me with some fun facts about me.

- That's a picture of me with my brother (not pictured) in Fargo.

- I have a brother. No sisters (*cough*, Kevin)

- I have been to Fargo

- I am also the one they call "Enforcer". See how manly my beard is! But I am also Ryan.

- I don't have multiple peronality disorder

- I have multiple personality disorder

- No I don't

- Yes I do

- Shut up

- YOU shut up!

- I am a fan of the Minnesota Wild, and really have no interest in the Islanders, outside of one, maybe two games a year.

I guess when hockey and ice aren't involved, our fine friends to the north just lose their problem solving senses. I know they're better than that, too. But apparently a grounds crew at a local baseball field in St. Albert's, Alberta decided that settling fire to their baseball field was a good way to dry it out.

I'll let that sink in for a moment.

So, you know, even an idiot would say, 'hey let's get a giant fan to dry it out.' Or something like 'Enforcer's sister blows really hard, maybe she can help us.' But these guys, these guys are a special breed. As the story goes, they spread diesel fuel on the field and lit that shit up, bro. A few hours later, their baseball field was gone and now the field is shut down for the rest of the season because it is an environmental hazard (in America, we would just pave a strip mall over it and hope for the best).

"The quick-dry approach was nothing new to baseball coach Kurtis Millar. "I've definitely played in every province in Canada and seen the trick used," he told CBC News. And crews here say this is common practice across Alberta"
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Seriously? There are MORE people like this in Canada?

And I know you're waiting for it, so here's the money quote:

"Nevertheless, the field could be shut down for several weeks, which means the rest of the season has likely gone up in flames for the young players"
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Ouch! Too soon? Too soon. Whomever wrote that must like picturing crying children in their mind. Actually, I'm sure the kids are just excited that it's almost hockey season and they don't have to play stupid baseball anymore. This is Canada we're talking about.

Anze Kopitar: We were SO CLOSE you guys! We already blew up the first Death Star, I've made peace with the fact that Ryan Smyth is, in fact, my father, and Jarret and Rachel mae friends with Ewoks

Jarret Stoll: Turns out they were just hairy midgets from West Hollywood!

Kopitar: All that we had left to do was blow up the second Death Star that they were building in Edmonton.

Michael Handzus: He's not a complete goalie, but I'm afraid we will find him fully operational

Kopitar: Scuderi didn't want to be Lando, but we got around it, and made sure to get the right guy for the job, isn't that right Wayne?

Wayne Simmonds: Just because I'm black doesn't mean--

Kopitar: Great. But Frolov was supposed to be Wedge! Everyone knows that Wedge was the one that got the first shot in before Lando finished the job. Who will be Wedge?

Drew Doughty: I'll do it!

Kopitar: HAHAHAHA. No. You're Porkins. Let's face it, we're never going to find someone to take over for Frolov. Nobody as perfect as Wayne was for Lando, anyways.

Simmonds: Hey, f*k you man

An artist's rendering of Talbot retreating during battle against Alexander the Great, circa 331 BC.

Tuesday, Pittsburgh's Maxime Talbot was on a local morning radio show on 105.9 The X in Pittsburgh and made some comments that sent the hockey blogosphere into a mid-summer tizzy. I guess it was probably more of a lightheadedness given that it's almost August and this is the absolute deadest time for hockey news so any news is, well, news. No matter the symptoms, lots of folks got excited about Talbot having a few choice words for DC's favorite non-Strasburg named son, Alex Ovechkin.

Apparently, when asked about how it was to meet Ovechkin, Talbot responded by calling him -- and earmuffs on kiddies -- "a real douche." And not in the feminine hygiene sense of the word. So there you have it, that's what makes news in August. But hey, I've always been a proponent of our hockey players showing more personality -- even if only for the selfish reasoning of giving me more to blog about -- and this is certainly a step in that direction.

And then Talbot blew it. What else should we expect from a guy named Maxime?

- Allowing a team to move to New Jersey

- New Jersey's deal with the devil to use his name as their nickname in exchange for some Stanley Cups.

- Jacques Lemaire's assembly of the neutral zone trap

- Ken Daneyko

- Covering Patrick Elias's bills from the clinic. You know, for the hepatitis.

OK, fine, you got me Enforcer. I don't have either video I need to make done. However, I do have some footage that I have shot, and some storyboards set up, so I am making progress. In the mean time, here is some footage that I shot earlier today. Now, I haven't gotten a chance to do any editing, so it may look a little rough, but in the mean time, I hope you enjoy it: