Hello, and thank you for taking to read this press release, presented on behalf of all officials across the league, to you the fan in the spirit of honest engagement, and because it’s been difficult to maintain the visage of objectivity for so long.
This statement is to admit that, yes, we are working against your team. That offsides? It wasn’t because our linesman couldn’t outskate professional athletes and was out of position. We knew that winger was onside, but with the D out of position, we couldn’t let him skate in like that, with such a good chance to score. We had to blow it dead, if only because we hate your team.
For the record. Yes. That was a goal. We even went to the video and called Toronto. Well, we pretended to. We were making reservations in the champagne room at the strip club down the street from your arena. What a dump that place is, by the way. Anyways, we did look at the video, we know it was a goal, but we still said it wasn’t. We got that wrong intentionally, because we don’t like your team, it’s fans or the stupid town they play in.
The league has come down and said they only want large market teams to advance in the post season. That’s why we didn’t whistle that holding call in the corner against the underdog’s Calder candidate. On the other hand, nobody wants to see the big markets get even more W’s. Yes, we are out to get your high scoring superstar. We look the other way when he gets hit in open ice, because that guy is a dick. So are you. All of you.
With that said, enjoy the rest of the post season. It’s going to be exciting when the team we wants to win the Cup wins the Cup!