Torts

The Sedins have something on their mind

[Inside Mike Gillis' office]

Gillis: Thank you, gentlemen, for joining me

Daniel Sedin: We were counting our nipples.

Henrik Sedin: We have 5.

Gillis: I wanted you to join  me — Wait, which one of you has 3 nipples?

Daniel: What do you mean? 

GIllis: You just said…. never mind. I wanted you to come here so you, as the two longest tenured members of our team, and leaders both, to be the first to meet our new coach, John Tortorella

Henrik: How did you find out about the length of our tenures?

Gillis: Coach Tortorella, could you please join us?

Daniel: Pleasure to meet you Tortorola. I will be the first to tell you I prefer Samsung.

Henrik: I am ok with anything that has AT&T and not Vigneaultzon. 

Gillis: That's Tortorella, guys

Daniel: Oh, I am very sorry Coach Tortuga. Did you know your name means turtle in Scott Gomez?

Henrik: I like turtles

Gillis: TORTORELLA

Henrik: This is no time for desert, Mr. Willis

Daniel: I will start with the questions. Question 1. Have you ever been to Canada? I have not been but I wish to go.

Henrik: Question 2. Do you like to be tickled? May I tickle you now?

Daniel: Are you a turtle?

Henrik: I like turtles.

Daniel: Follow up, if you are not a turtle, why are you named after one, and are you Finn?

Henrik: Finns are the scourge of the earth.

Daniel: EFTERBLIVEN

Henrik: EFTERBLIVEN

John Tortorella: This is the stupidest line of questioning I have ever heard. Are you retarded? I don't mean to offend, but with questions as soul crushingly stupid as these, I wonder if you are legitimately damaged, mentally.

Henrik: I have been tarded once. Daniel is the only one to have been re-tarded. 

Tortorella: I don't… what?

Daniel: I don't see what that has to do with this conversation. 

Henrik: You are making us uncomfortable

/Daniel and Henrik turn around and start emiting a loud high pitched noise

Tortorella: Finally, someone is yelling around here. I think I will be just fine.

About Ryan Henning

Ryan has been working online since 2003 and is presently the proprietor of Barry Melrose Rocks, The Rhino and Compass and The Weather Blog at Victoria-Weather.

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