OK, so let me get this straight: after the regular season is over, some teams get to play each other a bunch of time,like a home and home? And they just go back and forth? And if your team loses, you go home? Dang…playoffs is scary. 


You'lll have to forgive us here at Barry Melrose Rocks.  See, since the first year we all started blogging here, this is the first time that we've all had teams in the playoffs.  I always blamed a bit of myself for the Leafs lack of success, but I have no idea whta Schultz and Ryan are doing.  I guess I'll have to come up with some smack talk for the whole tournament… (In no particular order)


PITTSBURGH: None of your guys can grow a playoff beard.  I'm pretty sure Sidney Crosby sparkles in the sun, which I guess makes Geno Malkin Jacob and…this got a whole lot more awkward. 

NEW YORK ISLANDERS: John Tavares looks like he has a really hairy back.  Also, Kyle Okposo is the only Nigerian Ginger in existence, so he's a DAYWALKER.  

MONTREAL: Maudite calisse du cul. Le petite Gionta, va te faire cuire un oeuf! 

OTTAWA:  Last time I was in Ottawa, I got drunk enough that as I was vomiting, I seriously asked myself, "what did I eat that was purple?"  And that's all I have to say about that. 

WASHINGTON: AKA Alex Ovechkin and a bunch of other dudes. 

NEW YORK RANGERS: Henrik Lundqvist remains pretty.  That is all. 

BOSTON: Your city smells like sea waste and despair. Tim Horton's coffee may be swill, but I'm not a coffee drinker. Besides, Tim Horton's donuts >>>>>>>>Dunkin Donuts. You know it. 

CHICAGO: Patrick Kane is still short, which makes it easy for him to drink anyone under the table, as he resides there. Also, Duncan Keith is kind of  a jerk

MINNESOTA: Well, Ryan should be happy about this.  So good for him. 

ANAHEIM: Who cares? 

DETROIT: The average age on the Red Wings is 62.72 years old.  I just thought you should know that. 

VANCOUVER: Creepy Sedins are creepy. 

SAN JOSE: Joe Thornton and a bunch of guys try to go beyond first round.  Let's see what happens. 

ST. LOUIS: Long cup drought, bitter fans with gallows humor, lots of booze?  Hell, the Blues fans I know  are almost Leafs West.  Almost. 

L.A.: They WHAT last season? Huh. That's  cool. I got nothing.  I don't even know who plays for them anymore.  They're like NHL Slenderman–non-descript and faceless  If you see them, you'll probably die. 



About Kim Ware

Former hockey joke monger who currently lives in Tampa, Florida. She occasionally yells at bad movies, shows, and sports you don't watch on twitter @loser_domi