In Which Jared Staal Joins the Hurricanes

The staals looking down

 

(SCENE:  ERIC and JORDAN STAAL are hanging out at ERIC’s home in North Carolina. JARED enters.)

JARED STAAL: GUESS WHO HAS A SHINY NEW CONTACT, BONERS!

ERIC STAAL:  What are you talking about?

JARED: I got a contract for the Hurricanes! Staal bros are gonna wreck the shit outta the Southeast!

JORDAN STAAL: Actually, I heard they’re changing the division names. We’re now in, like, the Metropolitan division or some shit.

ERIC: Metropolitan? Isn’t that what those chicks on “Sex and the City” drink when they aren’t banging dudes?

JARED: How do you know about “Sex and the City”?

ERIC: What? A dude can’t appreciate the comedy stylings of Sarah Jessica Parker and those three other broads?

JARED: I question your masculinity.

JORDAN: Whatever. It doesn’t matter what division it is. You’re getting sent down after preseason anyway.

JARED: But, but…I have a contract! It even says Hurricanes on it and everything!

ERIC: It’s a two-way contract, dumbass. That means they can send you down whenever they want. Don’t you read shit before signing it?

JORDAN: Holy shit, you’re dumb.

JARED: Screw you wangnuts. You’ll see, I’m going to be great for the team!

JORDAN: Dude, you’re 22, and on a one year two-way contract. Maybe you should learn to read books instead.  (JARED’s phone rings. It’s MARC STAAL)

JARED: What the? Hello?

MARC: Hey, dude! I just wanted to congratulate my little brother on getting onto the Hurricanes!

JARED: I’m sorry, who is this?

MARC: This is Marc. I’m your brother.

JARED: Whatever, I’m putting you on speaker so my brothers can hear your dumbassery.

MARC: But I’m Marc! You know, your brother? I play for the New York Rangers? I’m kind of a ginger?

ERIC: What’s it like to have no soul, shitass?

JARED: Shit, a ginger defenseman? Do your parents know you’re out this late? Do they let you use the phone unsupervised?

MARC: You’re talking pretty big game for someone as useful as a one-handed sign language interpreter.  At least I play on teams with REAL names. I mean, Everblades? That’s not even a thing. And “Checkers”? I always figured “Candy land” was more your speed.

JORDAN: Nice burn, considering how little you’ve won. CUP RINGS, ASSDOZER (He and ERIC high five)

MARC: I was on two World Junior teams that won gold. AND I was in the playoffs this year. What did you do during playoffs?

ERIC: Watched the playoffs from a mansion that probably costs as much as a walk-in closet in New York.

MARC: Man, fuck you guys. (hangs up)

JORDAN: What a turdburgler. Now, let’s talk jerseys. You can’t be J. Staal. There’s only one J. Staal, and that’s me. Your name can be…let’s see…Bubbles. You can be Bubbles.

JARED: I don’t wanna be Bubbles! That’s a stupid name.

ERIC: As team captain, I think what happens is that you guys are then “Jo. Staal” and Ja. Staal.”

JARED: Shit, Bubbles may be better. It’d be like those Brazilian soccer players with fourteen names who just go by one name, like Pele.

JORDAN: Wait, “Ja Staal” is even funnier. Does that mean he has to guest rap on tracks by J.Lo and Ashanti?

ERIC: I’m not sure, but he may have to start feuds with 50 Cent and Eminem.

JARED:  What are you guys talking about? You hate rap.

JORDAN: I used to, but living in Pittsburgh and Raleigh really expanded my horizons.

ERIC: Did you know black people are real? I only ever read about them in books. (ERIC’s phone rings. It’s MAMA STAAL.)

MAMA STAAL: Hello, boys!

ERIC, JARED, and JORDAN: HI, MOM!

MAMA STAAL: I heard about Jared’s new contract! That must be exciting for all three of you to play on the same team. It’s fewer jerseys I need to buy, anyway.

JARED: Mom, they’re all making fun of me. They say that I’m going to get sent down to the minor leagues.

MAMA STAAL: Well, honey, maybe if you don’t suck or screw up, you won’t get sent down.

ERIC: Hahahaha, oh, Mom.

JARED: Mom, that’s, like, super mean.

JORDAN: But accurate!

MAMA STAAL: Just make sure you work hard and take your vitamins. Remember, I still love you, even if you’re not a hockey player.

ERIC: She’ll just love you a little less because hockey and sod farming are the only things worth doing in Thunder Bay.

JORDAN: And you can’t become a professional “Get Drunk and Yell at Cars” player.

ERIC: Hell, I’m sure Tanya and I could always use some help with the kids.

JORDAN: They can be Staal Bros Two! We could have an all Staal league!

MAMA STAAL: Don’t get ahead of yourself, boys. Do any of you really want to raise a goalie?

ERIC: Maybe so the other ones could practice. Otherwise, goalies are just weird.

JARED: But hey, maybe someone needs to manage these players, huh? Huuuuh?

JORDAN: Don’t get ahead of yourself, bro. 

About Kim Ware

Former hockey joke monger who currently lives in Tampa, Florida. She occasionally yells at bad movies, shows, and sports you don't watch on twitter @loser_domi

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