In Which Jared Staal Joins the Hurricanes

The staals looking down


(SCENE:  ERIC and JORDAN STAAL are hanging out at ERIC’s home in North Carolina. JARED enters.)


ERIC STAAL:  What are you talking about?

JARED: I got a contract for the Hurricanes! Staal bros are gonna wreck the shit outta the Southeast!

JORDAN STAAL: Actually, I heard they’re changing the division names. We’re now in, like, the Metropolitan division or some shit.

ERIC: Metropolitan? Isn’t that what those chicks on “Sex and the City” drink when they aren’t banging dudes?

JARED: How do you know about “Sex and the City”?

ERIC: What? A dude can’t appreciate the comedy stylings of Sarah Jessica Parker and those three other broads?

JARED: I question your masculinity.

JORDAN: Whatever. It doesn’t matter what division it is. You’re getting sent down after preseason anyway.

JARED: But, but…I have a contract! It even says Hurricanes on it and everything!

ERIC: It’s a two-way contract, dumbass. That means they can send you down whenever they want. Don’t you read shit before signing it?

JORDAN: Holy shit, you’re dumb.

JARED: Screw you wangnuts. You’ll see, I’m going to be great for the team!

JORDAN: Dude, you’re 22, and on a one year two-way contract. Maybe you should learn to read books instead.  (JARED’s phone rings. It’s MARC STAAL)

JARED: What the? Hello?

MARC: Hey, dude! I just wanted to congratulate my little brother on getting onto the Hurricanes!

JARED: I’m sorry, who is this?

MARC: This is Marc. I’m your brother.

JARED: Whatever, I’m putting you on speaker so my brothers can hear your dumbassery.

MARC: But I’m Marc! You know, your brother? I play for the New York Rangers? I’m kind of a ginger?

ERIC: What’s it like to have no soul, shitass?

JARED: Shit, a ginger defenseman? Do your parents know you’re out this late? Do they let you use the phone unsupervised?

MARC: You’re talking pretty big game for someone as useful as a one-handed sign language interpreter.  At least I play on teams with REAL names. I mean, Everblades? That’s not even a thing. And “Checkers”? I always figured “Candy land” was more your speed.

JORDAN: Nice burn, considering how little you’ve won. CUP RINGS, ASSDOZER (He and ERIC high five)

MARC: I was on two World Junior teams that won gold. AND I was in the playoffs this year. What did you do during playoffs?

ERIC: Watched the playoffs from a mansion that probably costs as much as a walk-in closet in New York.

MARC: Man, fuck you guys. (hangs up)

JORDAN: What a turdburgler. Now, let’s talk jerseys. You can’t be J. Staal. There’s only one J. Staal, and that’s me. Your name can be…let’s see…Bubbles. You can be Bubbles.

JARED: I don’t wanna be Bubbles! That’s a stupid name.

ERIC: As team captain, I think what happens is that you guys are then “Jo. Staal” and Ja. Staal.”

JARED: Shit, Bubbles may be better. It’d be like those Brazilian soccer players with fourteen names who just go by one name, like Pele.

JORDAN: Wait, “Ja Staal” is even funnier. Does that mean he has to guest rap on tracks by J.Lo and Ashanti?

ERIC: I’m not sure, but he may have to start feuds with 50 Cent and Eminem.

JARED:  What are you guys talking about? You hate rap.

JORDAN: I used to, but living in Pittsburgh and Raleigh really expanded my horizons.

ERIC: Did you know black people are real? I only ever read about them in books. (ERIC’s phone rings. It’s MAMA STAAL.)

MAMA STAAL: Hello, boys!


MAMA STAAL: I heard about Jared’s new contract! That must be exciting for all three of you to play on the same team. It’s fewer jerseys I need to buy, anyway.

JARED: Mom, they’re all making fun of me. They say that I’m going to get sent down to the minor leagues.

MAMA STAAL: Well, honey, maybe if you don’t suck or screw up, you won’t get sent down.

ERIC: Hahahaha, oh, Mom.

JARED: Mom, that’s, like, super mean.

JORDAN: But accurate!

MAMA STAAL: Just make sure you work hard and take your vitamins. Remember, I still love you, even if you’re not a hockey player.

ERIC: She’ll just love you a little less because hockey and sod farming are the only things worth doing in Thunder Bay.

JORDAN: And you can’t become a professional “Get Drunk and Yell at Cars” player.

ERIC: Hell, I’m sure Tanya and I could always use some help with the kids.

JORDAN: They can be Staal Bros Two! We could have an all Staal league!

MAMA STAAL: Don’t get ahead of yourself, boys. Do any of you really want to raise a goalie?

ERIC: Maybe so the other ones could practice. Otherwise, goalies are just weird.

JARED: But hey, maybe someone needs to manage these players, huh? Huuuuh?

JORDAN: Don’t get ahead of yourself, bro.