Fake Interviews with Real People: Randy Carlyle (and special guest!)

Randy Carlyle



















LOSER DOMI: Coach Carlyle, thank you for coming in today.

RANDY CARLYLE: You’re welcome.

LD:  What do you make of the recent comments made by Mikhail Grabovski regarding his place within your coaching strategy?

CARLYLE: Well…you don’t pull any punches, do ya, little lady?

LD:  I’m only saying this once: it would be super cool if you wouldn’t patronize me.

CARLYLE: Ok, fine.  

LD:  Now, about Grabovski–

CARLYLE: Judging by the number of deleted expletives, the guy’s learning English real good.

LD:  Is some of what he’s saying true? It’s pretty damning if it is.

CARLYLE: I’m gonna be honest. It was the easiest way for everyone. I have not been a fan of his from the word “go.” Gingers creep me the hell out.

LD:  You actually reduced his playing time because you don’t like his hair color?

CARLYLE: Besides, the dude is Belorussian. Belarus hasn’t won shit, ever. I’m pretty sure their main exports are orphans and crippling depression.  Or is that Romania? I always get those two confused.

LD:  That…seems really racist to me.


LD: Jingoist, then? It’s still something I’m pretty sure is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

CARLYLE: Whatever. Besides, I’m not the one who bought him out. You’d have to talk to my esteemed compadre, Dave Nonis.

Dave nonis


LD:  How did you get in here?

NONIS: I went in through the door, like a normal person.

LD:  Dang, you’re light on your feet for a fat guy.

CARLYLE: Like Jackie Gleason dancing.

LD: I’m not sure if that’s such a compliment.

NONIS: Anyway, Randy’s my guy on the ground, yanno? He’s the one feeding me new information and who’s got to go.

CARLYLE: I tell him who’s being trouble and who’s not performing so they can be shipped out.

LD:  What about the recent resigning of Tyler Bozak, who has been…let’s say less than stellar in a role which forces him into being a leading center?

CARLYLE: I don’t think that’s here nor there.

LD:  I think it actually is related to the conversation.

CARLYLE: The thing is—

(JOHN FERGUSON, JR., crashes through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man)



LD:  You’re goddamn joking.

CARLYLE:  He’s actually been a great inspiration to me. He’s been giving me advice and been a great help for the team.

JFJ: Miss me yet? Next to these knobheads, I look downright reasonable, don’t I?

LD: I’d rather be fed my own brain like Ray Liotta in Hannibal.

CARLYLE:  It smells good!

LD:  Screw this. I’m out of here.

CARLYLE:  Don’t you want to keep interviewing me?

LD:  Dude—Barry Trotz looks at you and is all, “damn, that guy has no neck.”  You’ve had half a season and you’ve already lost the room, so good job on setting some sort of a speed record. Obviously, I picked the wrong time to stop drinking. So, you know, fuck you and the horse you rode in on and then ate.

(LD leaves)

CARLYLE: You are kind of an asshole, JFJ.

NONIS: At least I have chicken. 

About Kim Ware

Former hockey joke monger who currently lives in Tampa, Florida. She occasionally yells at bad movies, shows, and sports you don't watch on twitter @loser_domi