Guys on Ice: Cleveland Rocks

Go-Carter: (extended sigh)

ICanhazUmberger: You ok, Jeff?

NashedPotatoes:  He’s been that angry since he came to Columbus. When his plane landed, he had to be dragged out.

ICanhazUmberger: I know it’s not Philadelphia, but we can be a solid team, too.

Go-Carter: Did you guys hear that story about Callamari?

NashedPotatoes:  You mean Cammaleri?

Go-Carter: Whatever. Anyway, he talked shit about his team, saying they were losers, and got traded mid-game. I think I finally have a way out of here.

ICanhazUmberger: He called Montreal a team with a “losing mentality”, not losers. There’s a bit of a difference.

Go-Carter: I tried to give this place a chance, but I just can’t do it anymore.

NashedPotatoes: You gave Columbus a chance? You spent 3 days locked in your hotel room drinking aftershave and singing “Freebird” while sobbing.

Go-Carter: I think I was being pretty generous.

 ICanhazUmberger: So what are you thinking with Cammalleri?

Go-Carter: He called the team crap, and got traded. I think I’ll do the same.

NashedPotatoes:  He got traded to Calagry. I’m not so sure that’s an upgrade.

Go-Carter: It’s high time I stop hiding my true feelings.  I. hate. Columbus. I hate Genoa, Italy for allowing Christopher Columbus to exist, giving this sad sack town a namesake. I hate both of the buildings here. I hate how overrated the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is.

ICanhazUmberger: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is in Cleveland.

Go-Carter: Well…it still sucks, because it’s around here.

NashedPotatoes:  That’s a totally different area of the state, bro.

Go-Carter: Whatever. I hope the river burns again, to the GROUND!

ICanhazUmberger: Dude, that’s still Cleveland.

Go-Carter: Well, I hope that a cow kicks over a lantern and burns the WHOLE city, TO THE GROUND!

NashedPotatoes: That was Chicago in, like, the 1800s.

Go-Carter: Well, crap.  This city is so boring, it doesn’t even have its own tragedy!

NashedPotatoes:  What about Maurice Clarett?

Go-Carter: Did you know that more people care about Ohio state than us? I mean, we’re PROFESSIONAL athletes!  They’re just a bunch of business and communications majors fucking up their knees!

ICanhazUmberger: It’s THE Ohio State. People get kinda uppity about that.

Go-Carter: That’s another thing—the whole “THE Ohio State” thing? Are they serious? That’s just retarded.

NashedPotatoes:  I’d watch what you say, though. Do you remember what happened to Filatov?

ICanhazUmberger: YEAH! How he got stuck in Russia?

Go-Carter: Well…

NashedPotatoes: You can’t seriously be…no…

ICanhazUmberger: IN the KHL! The KHL sucks at everything except for sucking.

Go-Carter: At least the fat drunk chicks in Russia might put out instead of hitting me with pepper spray.

About Kim Ware

Former hockey joke monger who currently lives in Tampa, Florida. She occasionally yells at bad movies, shows, and sports you don't watch on twitter @loser_domi