Inside Steven Stamkos’s Mind during a Loss to Washington

Hoo boy, Stammers!  Playing the Capitals should be one fun night.  It’s a close rival–well, kinda. I mean, it’s in the same time zone, I guess. The fans are still behind us from last year’s run, and we get to move into a new barn with frickin’ TESLA COILS! And an ORGAN! That’s awesome. This season is going to be great! 

(Teddy Purcell scores)

AWESOME I–did not score or get an assist? Uh, sure, whatever.

(near the end of period three)

Holy crabcakes, this game is a total shitshow. Did both defence squads head out for a drink or what? Well, there’s not that much time left, so I think we can still eek out of this one–

(Jason Chimera scores for Washington, tying the game)

Well, crap.  Maybe we can score in the next 2 minutes. I’ve seen it before. I gotta get some slump busting going if this game keeps going the way it is. 

(the game goes into overtime) 

Well, crap. Hold on slump buster ladies, Stammer’s got this one sew up

(Stamoks fires like 12 shots in a row at Vokun, and none of them go in.)

WHAT THE SHIT? THIS IS SO MUCH EASIER IN NHL 12! And Vokun? What kinda name is Vokun, anyway? It sounds like it’s out of Star Trek or something stupid like that.  

And Roloson? You are dead to me, bro. Start greeting people at Wal-Mart, you prehistoric sack of garbage. 

(Overtime ends and goes to a shootout)

First overtime, and now a shootout? This is bull.  I hate shootouts–they interfere with my time spent photobombing black kids. 
Stamkos photobombing a child

Well, I’m sure Guy will make a good choice as to the shooters and…Oh. Thompson, Moore, and…yeah, no, it’s ok. It’s not as if I’d start that ish AND finish it.  I mean, it’s not like I’m a cover model for NHL 12 or anything.  Oh no, they TOTALLY only pick the crap players for THAT honour. Yuuuup. 

(Nate Thompson shoots and misses)

Nate Thompson?  Who in the hell are you? Whatever–I reserve my right to mock you, your clothing choices, and your mom’s lack of virtue.  

(Alex Ovechkin shoots on Dwanye Roloson and misses.)

Cool! We just might have a chance here! 

(Dominic Moore shoots and does not score)

Dominic Moore, you’d be dead to me, except I’m, like, at least 37% sure you’re a serial killer.  I don’t want you to eat me.  Please don’t eat me and bury me in the backyard.  I’m too pretty to die. I think you have kids (do you? Or nieces and nephews or something?) and they won’t like learning what their daddy/uncle did to all of those drifters. 

(Alex Semin scores and wins the game for the Washington capitals)

DAMMIT.  Normally, I’d make a lame “Semin scoring everywhere” joke, but I’m supposed to be all matured and a good role model and all. Nah, screw it, I can make jokes to myself.  Lemme think…Yeah, I hope that’s not the only time I have to worry about Semin making a mess tonight. Heh. That’s not too bad, Stammer. That’s worth a little chuckle. Shit, look down, Dominic Moore is looking weird again.  Make that about 39% sure.  Man, I need to get out of here. 

 

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