Have a Staaly Jolly Christmas CONCLUSION

staal sod farm

Chapter one

Chatper two  

ERIC: Hey, does anyone remember Mrs. Guildman?

JORDAN: Yeah, she hated my guts.

JARED: Mine too.

MARC: She thought I was OK.

ERIC: If she’s still around, we should totally say hi. Yanno, for the Christmas spirit and whatever.

MAMA STAAL: but one of you needs to stay and help me and your dad carve up this donkey.

ERIC: There’s only one fair way to decide.  ONE. TWO. THREE. NOT IT!

JORAD: NOT IT!

MARC: NOT IT!

Jared: Not—DAMMIT.

JORDAN: Sucker! Looks like you’re tying some bungholes tonight!

(MARC, JORDAN, and ERIC load into a car and are at a spooky looking house on a hill.  They ring the doorbell.)

ERIC: Hellllooooo? Mrs. Guildman?

JORDAN: I want to say sorry  for that time I gave you a milk and raw chicken stink bomb.

MARC: You inspired me to be better at hockey, because I could never get addition right!

JORDAN:  I’m also sorry for that time II loaded you car full of cow shit.  That was not cool.

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: You don’t have to worry.  Mrs. Guildman isn’t here anymore.

MARC:  Who the hell are you?

ERIC: Are you a ghost?

JORDAN: It’s a burglar! He’s gonna burgle Mrs. Guildman! Everyone duck! (JORDAN takes out a pistol he has hidden on his person and fires several rounds.)

ERIC:  WHERE DID YOU GET A GUN?

JORDAN:  It was a gift from Geno Malkin.  Some special Russian Mafia thing.

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: DAMMIT! And I was just off IR again!

JORDAN: Wait….I remember that voice….

COLBY ARMSTRONG: it’s me—Colby Armstong!

MARC: Wait—you play with the Leafs. What are you doing here?

ARMSTRONG: Sometimes I sublet Mrs. Guildman’s place while she’s in Florida.  There are time during the season I need some peace and quiet.

ERIC: Wait a second…if Jordan shot you in the face, how are you still talking?

JORDAN: I know him.  His gigantic nose stopped the bullet for him.

ARMSTRONG: Screw you guys, my nose is fine!  I mean, I’m bleeding a little, but whatever.

MARC: IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

ERIC: What, that Jordan shot something and hit it?

JORDAN: Screw you guys. Hey Army, wanna head back to my mom’s for donk—I mean, uh, venison and Christmas dinner?

ARMSTRONG: Oh, heck yes.

MARC: God bless us, everyone!

About Kim Ware

Former hockey joke monger who currently lives in Tampa, Florida. She occasionally yells at bad movies, shows, and sports you don't watch on twitter @loser_domi

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