Fake Interviews with Real People: Evgeni Nabokov

evgeni Nabokov
LOSER DOMI:
Thank You for agreeing to this interview, Mr. Nabokov. 
EVGENI NABOKOV: It is no problem. 
LD: It seems like the hockey world ifs stunned at what’s happened in the past few days.
EN: Ehn, I don’t really care about the All-Star Game. I can see why Crosby and Malkin are skipping it. Besides, concussions suck.
LD: Well, that’s all true, but what I was hoping to talk about was the New York Islanders claiming you off waivers, followed by your refusal. Do you care to talk about that at all?
EN: I do not blame the Islanders for trying to procure me. They need an elite goaltender who can fill in when Rick DiPietro explodes again and when their aging veteran goalie stops having hot streaks and when their young prospect loses marbles again. I would easily fit into New York Islanders. 
LD: If you would fit in so well, why did you refuse to show up with the team?

EN: Because, seriously, screw Long Island. It smells funny, like despair, sweat, and bad Italian food. Long Island Iced teas make my belly and liver hurt. You know the show Jersey Shore? None of them are really from Jersey, but a lot are from Long Island. 
LD: So essentially, you are refusing to play for the Islanders because you don’t like the smell, the drink, and a certain reality show?
EN: Also, I hate fishsticks. And I make more money playing in Russia.
LD: Does that mean you may return to the KHL?
EN: Hell no! I play hockey so I can get out of Russia.
LD: Aren’t you originally from Kazakhstan? 
EN: It was Russian when I left there, Besides, Kazakhstan is like Russia’s Kentucky—people want to get the hell out, or they stay until they die. Nobody leaves and comes back. They stay or leave forever. In USSR, it is nothing like Beatles song. 
LD: well…uh, this interview has certainly gotten awkward…
EN: Not as awkward as being replaced by Vesa Toskala. 
Vesa Toskala as a shark
LD: Good point.

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