LEE STEMPNIAK: Hello, everyone! I know the show’s been on a bit of a hiatus, but today I’m happy to announce the return of “Ask Lee Stempniak!” For this series reboot, my cohost for this episode is none other than Phoenix Coyotes pinerider and Twitter sensation Paul Bissonette.
PAUL BISSONETTE: ‘Sup? This better be good, I got some hot Biznitches to entertain later.
STEMPNIAK: Well folks, it looks like this “Scraping the Bottom” character sent us a bunch of questions…in March? I’ve been putting this off for that long?
BIZNASTY: Holy schnike, bro. You get too much sun during your golf game or what?
STEMPNIAK: Question 1:
Dude,What up? Do you think that this “Josh” fellow will win the BMR Fantasy Hockey playoffs? If so, will someone from BMR send him a Snickers bar? Or, at least…will he get some goddam recognition and a picture of a homemade BMR Stanley Cup? The suspense is killing me…I like totally owned everyone in the regular season and all I get is: Nothing. Nada. Nathan. WTF???
BIZNASTY: Man, this guy sounds good and pissed off. Or drunk, or both.
STEMPNIAK: Who is Josh? What is “Barry Melrose rocks”? Barry Melrose doesn’t rock. He might adult contemporary, but he doesn’t rock.
BIZNASTY: Beats me. Well Josh, here’s your recognition. Send me a direct message on Twitter and I can send you some discounts for a genuine Biznasty panty soup t-shirt. Congrats on your fantasy win—good on ya for beating all the other nerds at pretending to be smart and cool.
STEMPNIAK: Next question:
Why doesn’t the NHL board of governors (or whatever the hell they call themselves these days) do away with the OT format — and the dreaded shootout “mad skillz” competition — and return to the time-honored tradition of having just two points available per game, so we don’t get brain cramps anymore while trying to figure out which team qualifies for the playoffs?
BIZNASTY: I’mma be honest, if I can figure this ish out, it’s not that hard.
STEMPNIAK: Yeah, that’s for sure.
BIZNASTY: I can’t help it—I’m too busy feeding the homeless to really care about stats and shit.
(knock at the door)
STEMPNIAK: That’s weird. I wonder who that could be.
(Door opens and it is Lee’s brother, JAY STEMPNIAK)
JAY STEMPNIAK: Hello, hello!
BIZNASTY: Aw, shit, bro! It’s been forever since I’ve seen you!
LEE: (sigh) Hello, Jay.
JAY: What’s the matter? Can’t I surprise visit my favorite older brother?
LEE: Jay, I’m your only older brother.
JAY: All the more reason to go out and find hot bitches with you guys.
LEE: Wait…biz…did you just speak in hashtags?
BIZNASTY: ..Do you not? Is that weird or somethin?
JAY: Lee, are you still doing your stupid advice show with your stupid cat? Because if you are, I wanna crash it.
BIZNASTY: You and me could do a new show, where we talk about drinking, sex, and makin panty soup.
LEE: Could we finish up here, guys? Next question from Scraping the Bottom:
Why is your name so stoopid?
BIZNASTY: I have to admit it—Jay and Lee? Your parents must not be all that bright.
JAY: What do you mean?
BIZNASTY: Well, they couldn’t give you a name with more than 3 letters? That sounds like a coupla of people who can’t spell.
LEE: As opposed to Paul, which is only 4 letters?
BIZNASTY: Lay off me. My parents are, like, French or something. They’re excused.
JAY: Besides, it’s not our fault that our parents didn’t want to name us a longer name like Roshambo or Mekkalekkahighmekkaheinyheinyho.
LEE: Mainly because those names are just stupid.
BIZNASTY: But if I ever accidentally have a kid, I’m totally naming it Roshambo, or Shaneequa. Maybe Roshaneeqbro.
LEE: OK, final question—
JAY: This guy must have no life. Kinda like a certain hockey player I know who does an irregularly scheduled advice show with a toy cat.
LEE: You leave Buttons out of this! And besides, at least one of us made it to the NHL.
BIZNASTY: #BOOM, roasted! Which is exactly what I wanna do with all PT Cruisers in existence.
LEE: ANYWAY, Josh asks “Why does your jock smell like pansies?”
JAY: Well?…Does it?
BIZNASTY: I ain’t saying anything about that. I’ve done some crazy, nasty shit, but smelling another dude’s jock is where I draw the line.
LEE: Is it that weird to be meticulously clean about your equipment?
JAY: I dunno, but I do remember some weird smells coming from your gear bag after…you know…
LEE: I was 10 when that happened!
JAY: If you were only 10 when that happened, that makes you what? 11 now?
BIZNASTY: When what happened?
LEE: WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT. THE SHOW IS OVER! EVERYONE OUT OF MY HOUSE!
JAY: Whatever. Wanna go slumpbuster hunting with me, Biz?
BIZNASTY: Sure thing, but I gotta find a b-room first. I gotta massive #twoop that’s trying to make its way out of here.