A letter from Sean Avery



Dear internet fuckwads,

Guess who’s back? Avery’s back. Tell a friend.

 

 

I guess you needed me after all, didn’t you, Torts? I know Tortorella hates it when I call him Torts, so I’mma keep doing it.  You sent me down to the whale? IN HARTFORD?  You guys know how I feel about whales.  You know I have a strict “no fatties” rule.

But it’s good to be back with the Rangers again. I’m very thankful for this opportunity, because I love New York.  I am very glad to get another chance with the organization, as opposed to getting stuck in some backwater place like the KHL or worse, Columbus.

I know Torts only called me back up because Mike Rupp’s knee is hurt.  Word of advice to Rupper: use some kneepads when you’re blowing dudes in back of the Wendy’s.  Glass and stones can hurt—that’s what Taffy and Kira tell me, anyway.  I mean, you’re getting 1.5 million a year for 3 years.  I don’t know what you had at the Devils, but that’s not a half bad paycheck.  You’re no Brad Richards, but he’s a real doucheknocker.

I know I seem a bit more controlled and calmer than I used to be.  That’s because I keep getting my ass served with suspensions and counseling and all that other bullshit. It’s not me being all nice nice, it’s me not wanting to have a target on my back all the time.  That’s bullshit.  From now on, I’ll only do that shit when there are no cameras or refs around. For example: you know Wayne Simmonds? Wayne Simmonds is a real…class act.  See? I’m all reformed now.  Even though in announcing, “class act” is just code for “black guy”, it sounds really nice. It makes me sound like a great guy even though I’m really thinking he’s a total turburgler. 

In closing, bite my ass, everyone.  
avery finger 

About Kim Ware

Former hockey joke monger who currently lives in Tampa, Florida. She occasionally yells at bad movies, shows, and sports you don't watch on twitter @loser_domi

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