Every couple of weeks throughout the season I have a lucid dream involving Mike Milbury. In this one, he is out reporting on the road and phones in his Power Rankings to the BMR Editor’s Desk (made of rich mahogany and located out in the forest near Hamburg, NJ, it allows us time to think without the hustle and bustle of The City, you see. It looks exactly like this except we carry an AK and not a shotgun for badassery). This is a first-hand account of the latest lucid dream.
Power Rankings — October 21, 2010
1. Bahston – The greatest city in dah world! There’s no where I’d rather be than McSorley’s dahn ahn 35th. They’ve got a wicked mean home brew and I meet Jack Edwards and Cam Neely there every Thursday night. You can’t argue with Bahstin! GO BROOOOOINS!
2. Black Bears – I was out golfing last weekend and was just making the turn on the 9th out at a course in Western Mass when a bear crossed the cart path in front of me. I was ready to run when I realized it was a black bear, the friendliest of all. I invited it to finish the round with me and it obliged. We had a nice salmon dinner in the clubhouse afterwards. Really nice guy. Class act. Class. Act.
3. Texas Rangers – CAUSE THEY’RE PUTTING A WICKED GOOD WHIPPING ON THOSE DAMN YANKEES!!!
4. North Ahmerica – For being Not Europe. Pansy ass Euros. In my day, we didn’t have Euros in the NHL. That’s just not how business was done. Now they’ve got their state rights and political diplomats. In my day, we didn’t trust those shifty-eyed bahstards.
5. Boston Brooins – Speaking of Europe, Napolean himself Gary Bettman sent the Beloved Brooins to Europe to open the season. Something about reaching untapped markets. But because the Brooins are the best team evah, they mopped the floor with those slimy Euros and came home 3-1. Blake Wheelah. Tim Thomas. Some good ol’ blue blooded American boys on that team. Some good guys from over the border too — Mahrc Savard, Tyler Seguin. But the one guy I don’t trust — Milan Loocheech. Can’t trust a guy named after a European city. Must be a spy.
6. Gravity – It always bring all those front running Canadien and Penguin homers back to reality.
7. Buying American Made – Need I say more?
8. Billy Guerin – He doesn’t have a team this year but he is a real, true blooded Massachusetts boy. If I was still running a team, I’d give him a lifetime contract. He’s the hardest working guy in the league. Well, other than myself of course. I’m on three TV networks. That’s a lotta talking for one guy. But what can I say, that people love me/
9. Rick Rypien – It’s always fun to get in a tussle with the paying customers. Breaking down the 4th wall really gives the show life. Sure, it was nothing like what I did. But that’s because no one can ever be me. But Rick should be celebrated. He is a TRUE HERO for standing up for what he believes in and giving the folks at the ol’ barn a good show. The NHL needs more Rick Rypiens.
10. Poutine – Man, I didn’t discover this until I started working for TSN but this stuff is addictive.
11. Patrick Kane – The man knows how to party. Gotta give him that. Spent a Friday night out with him the last time I was in Chicago. Don’t remember what happened that night but had Windy City poon for breakfast, lunch and dinner the next day. Three square meals a day is what I always say.
12. New York Islanders – They’re in first place and all thanks to me. You’re welcome, New York.
13. Freshly washed sheets – Always reminds me of New England in the fall. There’s no place like it, really. You just smell that flowery scent and it takes you back to late August at the lakehouse and Halloween at my Aunt’s. She always had a party for my cousins and I. Also gave out the best candy in town. Anyone who gives out full-size Snickers bars is an American hero.
14. Colgate University – Who would I be if the Alma Mater didn’t make the list? A traitorous Euro that’s who.
15. NCIS – Best show on television, hands down. That weird chick in the lab is somethin’ else, too.