Guys on Ice: Cuddle Monsters

***Welcome to the Team Canada Olympic Hockey Team chatroom!***
SidneyNotKidney: Alright guys, we got rid of Germany!
Iggy_Thump: Yeah, we’re still alive!
LaLaLuongo: Alive to face friggin’ RUSSIA. I don’t know if you guys heard, but Russia’s kind of good.
Nashed_Potatoes: I just thought about Russia…and a little bit of pee came out.
STAAL-E: Man, I friggin’ hate those friggin’ Commies. We can kick their asses, no sweat.
HasChuckles: Well, I have an idea…
Iggy_Thump: You have an idea for what?
HasChuckles: Well, it might be kind of lame…
STAAL-E: Come on, horse face, spit it out.
SidneyNotKidney: He’s no horse face. Have you seen Fleury?
FleuryAvecSpinkles: What about me, Sid?
SidneyNotKidney: Uhh…nothing, Flower. Just go back to your vampire stories or whatever it is.
FleuryAvecSpinkles: Oh, ok…SAM! DEAN! DON’T GO IN THERE!
HasChuckles: Thing is…I was really bored one off season and, long story short, I’m a certified Cuddle Party facilitator.
Nashed_Potatoes: …A certified whatnow?
LaLaLuongo: Nah, I heard about these guys. Apparently people pay money and they go and cuddle with a bunch of strangers.
Iggy_Thump: So…you oversee orgies? Wow.
HasChuckles: There’s no sex at all! It’s a workshop on boundaries, communication, intimacy and affection. You get to play around with non-sexual touch.
STAAL-E: Are you sure you’re not gay?
HasChuckles: Are you kidding? SoCal ladies eat this up with a spoon.
Nashed_Potatoes: So what do you do?
HasChuckles: I make sure that no sex happens and that everyone feels safe.
SidneyNotKidney: Well, I guess that just us could do it…
FleuryAvecSpinkles: Sid! I can’t sleep…that episode was AWFUL! There were ghosts and a dog that got killed, and kids in the wall, and…and…
SidneyNotKidney: It’s ok, Flower. It’s just a show.
FleuryAvecSpinkles: Come here, can we let him in? He’s always a bit scared if he watches too much “Supernatural” in one go.
HasChuckles: Sure.
***Several minutes later, after everyone gets comfortable…***
Nashed_Potatoes: Huh. This isn’t so bad, actually.
STAAL-E: Yeah, you’re a pretty good shoulder rubber, BobbyLou.
LaLaLuongo: Call me BobbyLou again, and I’ll snap your freakin’ neck!
HasChuckles: Hey Cuddle Monsters, no bad thoughts are allowed in THIS Cuddle pool! Only happy thoughts!
LaLaLuongo: I’m sorry about threatening to snap you neck, Eric.
STAAL-E: It’s ok.
FleuryAvecSpinkles: You guys feel good.
Iggy_Thump: Should I be worried about, uh…?
HasChuckles: Worried about what? Erections? Arousal is an inherent part of being human. Here we want to make normal functions and needs of human beings seem, well, “normal.” At a Cuddle Party, erections become Mother Nature’s way of giving us the thumbs-up sign. Nothing’s wrong. Nothing’s dirty. Nothing’s suspect. And as long as you’re not dry humping anyone, it’s completely okay.
Iggy_Thump:…I was more worried about farts but whatever.
FleuryAvecSpinkles: It’s ok. You all smell so good.
SidneyNotKidney: Thanks, Fleur.
***Party_Marty has entered the chat room!***
***Don’tToewsMeBro has entered the chat room!***
Party_Marty: ..So then, it turns out Roberto was lying to me! They really weren’t giving out free pies and ice cream!
Don’tToewsMeBro: How odd. I cannot imagine why a teammate would lie like that—OH SWEET MERCY!
Party_Marty: THE HELL IS THIS?
HasChuckles: Da-uhhhh…
Don’tToewsMeBro: /covers ears and closes eyes
***Don’tToewsMeBro has left the chat room!***
STAAL-E: We’re all exploring intimacy and communication crap.
Party_Marty: You kids are weird.
(By the way, everything Ryan Getzlaf says about cuddle parties comes nearly word-for-word from the Cuddle Party FAQ)