Fake Interviews with Real People: Mikhail Grabovski

Mikhail Grabovski

LOSER DOMI: First of all, I’d like to thank you for agreeing to call in from Vancouver, Mr. Grabovski.

MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: Please, it is Mkihail, or Grabbo if you likes. I flexible guy (pause) Oh wait, you can’ts see me winking over phone can yous?

LD: No, I can’t. Sorry.

MG: Oopsies.

 

 

LD: Anyway, I think you might suspect what I’m going to ask you, considering what’s happened to you recently. Would you mind telling us what happened?

MG: It was simple matter gone wrong. I was not to play on Belarus hockey team, because of broken wrist, but I wanted to go anyway, just to watch and cheer peoples on. I was also wanting to settle matters with Kostitsyns.

LD: I thought you guys settled your differences in the last off-season in Belarus.And what is the cause behind your feud anyway?

MG: That was just pretty show for everyone. We have not settled manner in traditional Belarus way: traditional piss challenge.

LD: …Piss challenge?

MG: Two men piss in straight line into air and man who is less wet is winner. It is law and final ruling in most parts of Belarus. It is like being in “Judge Judy” but more fun to watch.

LD: But that still doesn’t explain why the feud started. Would you care to explain that?

MG: First, when I was with Montreal, Sergei Kostitsyn makes fun of my hair every day. He say, like, “Oh wow, nice hair. You boyfriend style it like that?” Is not cool to use the gays as insult like that. Besides, what what does he know about good hair? He look like soccer mom–not hot one in porno films, but ugly, realistic one. Then, other Tits brother borrows my Blackberry because he say his has no battery. Suddenly, all cute girls I been texting have to “wash my hair” and “do laundry.” I find out, other Tits spreads rumours that I not good guy and I never shower and all this other bad stuff. Major dick move.

LD: That does sounds like a dick move. So you got in a fight with one of the Kostitsyns?

MG: No, I never even make it to Kostisyns. I goes out to bar because I figure, that is where they are. In bar, I meet fellow Leaf guy Tomas Kaberle! He is sad because Czech team lose and I got, “Kabbie you need to shoot” and he go, “Shoot? what is that? You mean like when I play Grand Theft Auto?” I go, “No, with stick.” He looked at me funny, then I said, “And Kabbie, make sure you tell Jaromir Jagr that his soul patch is stuff of nightmares.”

LD: So then what happened?

MG: Then I got to bar and drank several beers. It was good time talking with people. I go to pay and bartender’s like, ” You need another card, we don’t accept that card.” I go “That is stupid crap, why you no accept this credit card?” He go, “Is Olympic policy. We supposed to only accept Visa.” But I tell him “yeah I have visa, is how I can stay in Canada.” So I show him passport and he say “I can’t take passport for ID. I need driver’s license.”  So I go, “this document that lets me into foreign countries is no good enough for you? Is stupid crap policy.”

LD: Ok, I see. Did your conversation with the bartender get any more heated?

MG: No, Kabbie saw and he step in and pay it, so all were cool. Then we go to another bar and I try Surfer on Acid. TASTY DRINKS!

LD: I don’t know that drink. What’s in a Surfer on Acid?

Surfers on Acid (the drink)

MG: It is Pineapple juice, coconut rum, and Jagermeister. As I say, it is tasty. So we do those and I go to pay and there is no problem, but I turn around and Tomas is gone. I cannot see him anywheres. But I say to self, “Self, Kabbie is big boy. He can take care of hisself.”

LD: So did you leave the second bar after that?

MG...I don’t know

LD: What do you mean you don’t know?

MG: I know I saw Kostitsyns and I was doing drinks with them, and then policeman officers come and I am arrested. I no remember that bit. This is sign of drugging?

LD: It could be. Did you feel a lot more intoxicated than you should have been?

MG: I also not eat so much that day. It could happen. And I also was missing wallet.

LD: Oh wow, that’s a really bad sign.

MG: Then I know Ron Wilson come in and bail me out. Then he give me to my mom, and she was SUPER PISSED. But I no remember that so well.

LD: Holy crap, it really does sound like you might have been drugged. But that stuff goes through your system really fast. You should have saved some urine right after that so it could be tested.

MG: Why they want to drug me, heh? Stupid Kostitsyns, IS CHALLENGE PISS TIME!

LD: …well, good luck with that.

MG: Oh, and thank you for lettings me tell story.

LD: Thank you for agreeing to the interview, Mikhail.


 

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