(This kind of started off after I saw a video of Ryan Hollweg’s Chris Farley impression,and it kind of just took off from there.)
(SCENE: The dressing room of the Toronto Maple Leafs, the morning after another bad loss)
RON WILSON: Now you guys, I know this season has been the WORST START EVER for the Leafs. I know, and you know, that we’ve been written off by everyone and his mother for this season already. I see you guys working out, doing practices, but something’s just not right. You guys need to show people how wrong they are! But to do that, you need to get in the right mindset. So today, I brought in a motivational speaker.
(RYAN HOLLWEG enters)
JASON BLAKE: Oh man! Not HIM again!
LEE STEMPNIAK: I just got rid of all the Hollweg smells in here!
MATT STAJAN: Does this mean we all have herpes now?
WILSON: CAN IT! He’s the best speaker I could get that would work for pretzels and cheese, so listen up!
RYAN HOLLWEG: Hello, everyone! My name is Ryan Hollweg and I am a motivational speaker. I was drafted in the eighth round and I play for the Phoenix Coyotes.
BLAKE: Do you also live in a van down by the river?
HOLLWEG: Oh, haha, HAHAHAHAHA! Mr. Funnypants man! (Goes over to STAJAN’s locker) Hey, buddy, you know, my eyesight isn’t all that great—is that… Dane Cook over there? Cuz he’s pretty frickin’ funny!
STAJAN: Dude, Dane Cook sucks. He just jumps around and yells at people. Dude’s so not funny.
HOLLWEG: Truth is, I don’t get to live in a van down by the river. No…I live in a dumpster in back of a Chinese buffet! Nice Mr. Wong lets me eat all the leftover egg rolls I want. Bu7t not everyone can have that kind of a life style. I worked hard to get where I am today.
(HOLLWEG goes over to MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI’s locker)
HOLLWEG: And what about this guy? You give him an eyepatch and some explosions in back of him and he looks like he stepped outta some 80s action movie. Tell me, what are YOU gonna do this season?
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: I’s to score 30 goals, destroy dirty Habs, and stab pined apples!
HOLLWEG: 30 goals? HAHAHAHA! How about you SHUT YOUR YAPHOLE! (Goes over to COLTON ORR’s locker)
HOLLWEG: Now, you…You’re Colton Orr, right?
COLTON ORR: …Yeah.
HOLLWEG: You’re supposed to be the tough guy, right? How do you fight people?
ORR: Well, I uhhh….hit people in the face…
HOLLWEG: In the face? How barbaric! Why don’t you hit them from behind?
BLAKE: Why? Cuz it worked SOOOOO well for you? You play for Phoenix. You’ve been, at best, a fourth liner, maybe third if lots of people are injured.
HOLLWEG: That’s enough outta you!
BLAKE: No, it isn’t, you wanna be greasebag!
BLAKE: So greasy, Roberto Luongo said “Dayyyyuummm!”
HOLLWEG: Man, if you weren’t facing me, I’d hit your numbers SO HARD!
BLAKE: Well, screw you, screw your greasy mullet, and screw your wannabe pirate stache!
(BLAKE fires a puck right into HOLLWEG’s chest. ORR punches HOLLWEG in the neck and GARNET EXELBY joins in with an elbow to the chin. MATT STAJAN kicks a sock at HOLLWEG)
STAJAN: You stupid sock! It’s all your fault he came back!
(VESA TOSKALA comes in and slaps HOLLWEG with his manpurse. TOMAS KABERLE, who had been quite this whole time, joins in with a boot to the groin.)
KABERLE: VIVA LA CESKY!
(IAN WHITE rips off HOLLWEG’S mustache, revealing it as a fake.)
WHITE: Holy crap, it IS fake! Matty, you owe me 20 bucks!
(The rest of the Maple Leafs join in the beat-down with shivs, shanks, various blunt objects, and fists. When HOLLWEG loses consciousness, the medics drag his battered and bloodied body out of the locker room.)
BLAKE: Phew! That was good team bonding!
MIKE KOMISAREK: I’ll say! I really feel like I’m part of the team now!
WILSON: OK boys, what did you all learn from Mr. Hollweg?
PLAYERS: Don’t be dumb like Ryan Hollweg!