THE INTERNET — In a bold and completely unexpected move, the face of ESPN’s Pierre LeBrun launched a malicious attack upon the internet Sunday night. The attack started with a simple video on ESPN.com that, by Monday morning, had spread across the internet to thousands of computers. Experts estimate that by later tonight those numbers could be in the millions. However, as the video blog where the attack originated becomes increasingly outdated the attacks will likely subside.
Experts fear that it is non-hockey fans that could be most at risk. The content in the video centers around Game Three of the playoff series between the Washington Capitals and New York Rangers, which was played last night. However, only hockey fans and people who accidentally typed “nhl.com” into their web browser know that and they are, in turn, impervious to the effects of the face attack. A casual sports fan or diehard baseball fan will not realize this and could suffer serious shock, fear or angst when viewing the video. Other symptoms include gambling urges, a fear of zoos and a strange craving for Stuart Scott.
“I… I don’t know what happened,” LeBrun told reporters who were trying to open a vortex to another dimension by reporting on another reporter (this is the second instance of this type of behavior this week, following the investigation of reporter Roger Millions). “I was just trying to engage with the fans in this new medium. Everyone else on the internet is doing it, so why not me?”
At the moment, the US military is mobilizing and plans to station 20,000 troops inside the internet to try and combat the face attack. Residents are advised to stay indoors and away from websites that host streaming video. So basically, anything that isn’t Craigslist.