Guys on Ice: Kaner Boy Tell ’em

(The following chat makes no sense unless you have seen the video for Soulja Boy’s “Turn My Swag On”. embedding’s been disabled, so here’s the link.)
***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Chicago Blackhawks!***
Don’tToewsMeBro: Ah, another great day to be a responsible captain of a hot young team!
Kane_Is_Abel: Hopped up outta beeeeeddd, turn mah swag onnnnnnn…
Don’tToewsMeBro: What are you talking about?
Kane_Is_Abel: Yeaaaaahhhhhh get moneyyyy, ooooohhhhhhhh…
Don’tToewsMeBro: You’re not making any sense at all, Patrick.
Kane_Is_Abel: Man, he wipes his nose wit moneyyyyy! That’s CA-RAZY right there! He even got his own CEREAL!
Don’tToewsMeBro: Patrick, sometimes I think I need a dictionary with you.
***Later on, at practice!***
Dr.Quennevile_Medicine_Woman:…So that’s out plan for the Flames. Anybody got any questions?
Kane_Is_Abel: I got a question.
Dr.Quennevile_Medicine_Woman: Yes Kane?
Kane_Is_Abel: Why they hatin’ on me? I got a question, why they hatin’ on me?
Don’tToewsMeBro: What the hey, Kaner?
Kane_Is_Abel: I put my team on, did my theme song. Now it’s time to turn it up. Yeaaaahhhhh…
Dr.Quennevile_Medicine_Woman: Really, Kane, why do you keep talking like a rapper of some sort?
Don’tToewsMeBro: Seriously man, as team captain, I have to ask you. I know we all like listening to a lot of different kinds of music. I myself enjoy everything from U2 to Nickelback. But I have to get it through your head, Kaner, you’re not Soulja Boy.
Kane_Is_Abel: Man, I know I ain’t Soulja Boy, but he’s just so….swaggy, know what ahm sayin’?
Don’tToewsMeBro: No sir.
Dr.Quennevile_Medicine_Woman: I’m lost
Kane_Is_Abel: It’s just, I feel more like….in tune with rap then anything, like…yanno…
Don’tToewsMeBro: Patrick, you’re from Buffalo. You think mayonnaise is too spicy. You could not be whiter if you civil union’d with one of the Staal brothers!
Kane_Is_Abel: Don’t be hatin, cracker!
Dr.Quennevile_Medicine_Woman: Both of you, stop it! Kane, no matter how much you like rap and black people….you’re not black. I’m sorry.
Kane_Is_Abel: You mean I’m not black now. I’m waiting to find a doctor willing to help me with a honkeydectomy.
Dr.Quennevile_Medicine_Woman: Honkeydectomy?
Kane_Is_Abel: Yanno what Michael Jackson and Sammy Sosa did? It’s like that, but in reverse.
Kane_Is_Abel: …
Dr.Quennevile_Medicine_Woman: Now that’s just messed up.

About Kim Ware

Former hockey joke monger who currently lives in Tampa, Florida. She occasionally yells at bad movies, shows, and sports you don't watch on twitter @loser_domi