Bitches Don’t Know…JR Time is BACK

Jeremy Roenick on the bench

(photo from Liz E. in San Jose)

Yeah, that’s right fools. JR is back on the blog. Oh what, you thought that just because I retired from hockey I was just gonna fade into the sunset? Suckers. JR waits for nothing. Besides, there weren’t enough hot sluts for me in retirement. I came back here to class up this sorry excuse for a blog. Man, how can four different people cheer for 4 teams that suck so hard? Seriously, it’s like a Saturday night at Charlie Sheen’s place in here.

Take, for example, Dave. McBrayer, you’re my boy blue, but there’s only so much hookers and Jack Daniels can do. Sometimes, I forget you’re even part of the blog, until you mention your new “Beer-be-que” (barbeque sauce you drink straight out of the bottle) or a “thurrito” (Lord help you if you understand this reference.)

And Enforcer, well, I admire your love of drinking games. There’s nothing wrong with making people drink more. But sometimes, your rules are just way too complicated. Now, you all know how much I like Bud Light, and if there’s anything better than a cold Bud Light, it’s a shitload of cold Bud Lights. I like to stick to my own rules for drinking games. I call it “drink anytime anything happens.” Guaranteed drunken debauchery follows!

Now, Loser Domi gets points for actually admitting he’s a loser. I like honesty in a fellow—wait, Loser Domi’s a broad? Well, geez, I guess she’s a-ok in my book. She’s got boobs, so that means she’s got two reasons she’s a better blogger than the other three dorks here. But man, she’s a Leafs fan? I’ve known some freaks who like whips and crazy crap like that, but there are some people who just don’t know when to quit. Why are the hot ones always so stupid? And what’s with her “punching” that Twilight doucheknocker anyway? I’d like to see her take on someone who ISN’T made of cardboard. She’d probably fold like a cheap metal chair.

And now, I gotta take on the main jerkoff here, Schultz. I would have never gotten into blogging without this loser. Dude loves the Islanders, so I guess John Tavares is making him really happy. And by “happy”, I mean “legally obligated to introduce himself to the neighborhood.” Man, I’m wondering what would happen if Tavares say, hurt his leg playing golf, or got hit in the face with a soccer ball. I imagine this Kevin guy would be inconsolable. He’d probably cry into his bag of Combos mumbling “epic battles for the known universe” over and over again. Then again, I can’t blame him, ‘cuz Combos are freakin’ tasty.

That’s all I got for you dorks for now. Go on back to playing World of Warcraft and asking your mom for more meatloaf.

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