An Open Letter to Tomas Holmstrom

Dear Tomas,

Let me be frank: I’m not the biggest fan of yours. I’m not enthralled with you because of three reasons: the fact you play for the Red Wings, your gigantic ass, and how you keep falling down so much, you dumb goat boy.

Tomas Holmstrom looks like a goat

First off, you play for the Red wings—the team that makes so many others wet themselves in fearful anticipation of playing you. And somehow, you’ve stood out in a team of nonstandouts, at least in terms of character I can use for chats and the like. Unfortunately for you, you don’t stand out for anything good.

You know how you stand out amongst the Red Wings? It’s all in the ass. You know that song “Baby Got Back”? It applies to you like a damn T. However, since I’m a bigger fan of Queen than rap, I wrote a short song to show how I feel about you:

“Are you gonna block my crease tonight?

Ohhhhh down beside that red goal light?

Arrre you gonna fall all over the ice?

Fat bottomed Swedes, you make the hockey world go round”

I mean, your ass to rest of body ratio is almost J. Lo proportions. DO you really want to be known as hockey’s J.Lo?

Lastly, I can’t stand you falling all over the ice. You can’t be THAT clumsy. Then again I realize you may have some sort of medical condition where you fall down. I’m no doctor, but have you ever been tested for narcolepsy? It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and there are all sorts of treatments and therapies for it.

Then again, if you give me an excuse to link to a video of fainting goats, (friends/reletives of yours?) you can’t be all bad. You’re still an asshat in my books, however.

About Kim Ware

Former hockey joke monger who currently lives in Tampa, Florida. She occasionally yells at bad movies, shows, and sports you don't watch on twitter @loser_domi