BREAKING NEWS: MELROSE FIRED, ARMAGEDDON IMMINENT

File photo: Melrose giving NHL analysis on ESPN, half drunk, half stoned.
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As of 4:30 PM EST, the Tampa Bay Lightning have announced that Barry Melrose has been fired. Rick Tocchet has been named interim head coach and time as we know it has stopped. This may be the end, folks. The world has started spinning 10 times faster than normal and the animals are all migrating west. Something is wrong on Planet Earth. We’re not sure exactly what is going on, as we’re the stupid humans who are so disconnected with nature the only inevitable outcome has always been our complete and total demise. However, stay with BMR all day and night, as we’ll have more on this and OH GOD… WHAT IS THAT?!? NO! NOOOO! RUUUUUUNNN!!!!!

OH GOD IT’S SO… SO… ARGHHHHHHH MY ARM!!! SAVE YOURSELF, READERS! SAVEEEEE YOURSELFFFFF!!!! AHHHHH!!! DON’T BITE MY SPLEEN!! WHAT THE HELL? WHAT KIND OF MONSTER BITES SOMEONE IN THE FREAKING SPLEEN??? OH NOO….

*deathly silent silence persists. sun disappears behind pitch black cloud cover.*_uacct = “UA-1868762-1″; urchinTracker();

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